July 28, 2010
Hello to our family, friends and new friends!

I know, you are probably thinking why are you getting 2 Roman Updates in one day…well…..the previous update was letting you know peanut allergy results mostly…NOW...prepare yourself for an emotional update from a mom who has a kid with a deadly cancer AND a deadly peanut allergy. When I get like this, writing and venting makes me feel better, so here goes….

I have thought about this %*&^ result since I got the call today. I can’t stop thinking about it. I do have PMS which could explain some of my emotions right now, but not all of them. As soon as Mike got home from work today, (thank God my kids were down Marsha’s playing- thank you Marsha)...that gave me the opportunity to cry and vent freely and let it all out with my husband (thank God for strong hubbys). If the kids were here, I would have kept it all in for them.

I have not had a day like today a REALLY long time. The kind of day where I feel as though I just want my son to be NORMAL. Where I just ache for some NORMALCY for him. I just want Roman to have a NORMAL life. The kind of life we wished for him when he was born. A life where he didn’t have to worry about death and dying. The kind of life where he didn’t have to worry about having a deadly cancer AND a deadly peanut allergy at the same time.

I am a strong person. People tell me that ALL the time. Today, I am weak. Weak because I feel for my son and the horrible hand of cards he has been dealt in his very young life. The kind of weakness that only a cancer mom/peanut allergy mom can feel. The kind of weakness where I have no control over Roman’s cancer or his peanut allergy and I HATE it!!! I can’t fix it. I can’t make it all better for him. I can’t make it disappear. I can’t take it all away. Lord knows by now I WOULD IF I COULD!

I am not a person who likes to make people feel sorry for me. But today, I do want people to feel SOMETHING for my son. His cards SUCK and there is no way we can trade them in for different ones!!! The strange thing about all of this is right now, my son is in bed, sleeping, with not a care in the whole wide world…As it should be for him. That’s why I am a mess. I am the mom. I am the one feeling all of this FOR him. I am so worried about him right now.

I don’t know…maybe I am off my rocker, but I feel my son has had ENOUGH!!! That isn’t asking too much… is it!!!!! I thought just this once, with this result, we could get the best news ever and we could knock out one deadly curse plaguing my son’s body. All I wanted for him was to be free with no more peanut allergy! All I wanted for my son was to have a tiny miracle that eliminated this deadly peanut allergy from his body. I thought since I can’t make the cancer go away, maybe this peanut allergy will go away instead!

It’s such a vicious cycle that goes on inside of my head all the time....
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